Calvin Harris fans were let down by the mega-DJ’s social media activity this week. After his behind-the-scenes post “How I Made ‘Slide'” went massively viral, Harris’ next post, “How I Made These Clay Pots” has failed to live up to the same expectations.

The pots, although nice, do not have the same level of artistic quality that we expect from the billboard-topping virtuoso. Instead of displaying the heightened attention to detail and catchiness that Harris’ releases are known for, the pots appear to simply be an expression of more disorganized and childish creativity, although again, they are nice, and look great next to his also not-bad elbow macaroni art from last month. ♫

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Is Sleep House The New Screamcore?

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Dullsauce Sleeptown frontman Dankman McNutsy. © 2015 Reuters International

The similarities are obvious: strong Albanian influence, absence of melody, and a thunderous subsonic growl that slowly wears down your vertebrae. But is Sleep House really the new Screamcore?

DJ Bottomheavy, one half of the famous Sleep House duo Dead Bed says “absolutely not. These two genres of music, despite their obvious musical similarities, are worlds apart in terms of instrumentation and blood type.”

Others are more skeptical. Gall McGall, famed Screamcore pioneer and Body Dysmortuary frontman, claims that Sleep House is simply Screamcore reimagined using more gamelan and obviously, less badminton.

Our opinion? They both sound an awful lot like early Goatbath. Wherever their origins may lie, one thing’s for certain: if you can tell these two apart, you just might be sober enough to finally drive home. 

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The Super Bowl–of SPORTS?!

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We’ve all heard of The Super Bowl: funny commercials, nachos, and your neighbor Ted hacking down your door in a bath salts-fueled rage that could rival even the most terrifying manic hallucination. But did you know the Super Bowl is also about–get this–SPORTS?

It’s true! The long-forgotten culmination of this day was once a barbaric event that involved socioeconomically disadvantaged minorities doing permanent damage to one another for spectacle! Good thing it’s all just Doritos and Danica Patrick now, right? ♫

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Flo Rida Clearly An Android

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Another Flo Rida performance was cut short, this time at Lakewood Amphitheater in Chicago, IL, due to mechanical failures and overheating. After functioning without error for 35 minutes through his live, beat-driven dance and vocal performance, Flo Rida’s powerful robotic appendages began flailing uncontrollably, and he accidentally tore a dancer in half over his head and fired several white-hot mechanical fingers into the crowd.

This is the fifth time this month Flo Rida has experienced critical malfunctions, and his handlers are becoming more concerned at the the increasingly obvious obsolescence of this once lively and well-functioning machine. Growing awareness of his bionic form seems to have impacted record and ticket sales, and the machines that have been keeping him alive inside his body appear to have overtaken him entirely.

Flo Rida insisted the problems were minimal and easily solved by what he referred to as “mechanical absorption,” as he devoured a mailbox and soldered his own limbs. ♫

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Beck Protests Own Shitty Music

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“We’ve had enough!” famed Grammy-award winning artist Beck yelled to his fans outside his concert in Ann Arbor, MI. “We’ve put up with enough of my garbage and we’re not gonna take it anymore!” The fans roared in agreement, a complex mix of forceful boos and agreement.

Beck put his most recent tour and upcoming album release on hold this week, after attending several fan protests urging him to stop playing and recording. “I just think this is the right thing to do,” he said, as he placed his acoustic guitar and two turntables and a single microphone into his personal storage locker outside Van Nuys, CA. “Quite frankly my fans and I are angry about all the nonsense going on here and I’ve decided to take a stand against myself.” ♫

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Pitbull Releases New “Song”

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Animatronic cyborg Pitbull emitted a sequence of random noises Tuesday, dubbing the new ‘song’ “Love Without Fear,” and releasing the sonic content to his fans via various audio distribution platforms such as Soundcloud and iTunes.

Described as “almost completely random” and “containing many sounds” by audio analysts, the new track appears to have significant commercial promise, as it had quickly ascended iTunes and HypeMachine charts by early afternoon following its debut.

When asked to describe his feelings regarding the potentially successful commercial release, Pitbull emitted a series of whirrs, clicks, and low, industrial hums.

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In a move her advisors called “justified retribution,” Jennifer Lopez flew over the city of Fresno, California in her Cessna C150 and released paralyzing ricin gas upon the citizens of the area in response to reportedly poor local album sales numbers.

Local sources were horrified and mostly unconscious. Universal Music Group, upon further inspection, revealed that a clerical error was responsible for the misunderstanding and, in fact, Fresno had very comparable sales numbers to similar areas. Still, Lopez insists that the chemical attack was justified, saying “[***] those [***] [***].”

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Pitbull Releases New “Song”

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Animatronic cyborg Pitbull emitted a sequence of random noises Tuesday, dubbing the new ‘song’ “Love Without Fear,” and releasing the sonic content to his fans via various audio distribution platforms such as Soundcloud and iTunes.

Described as “almost completely random” and “containing many sounds” by audio analysts, the new track appears to have significant commercial promise, as it had quickly ascended iTunes and HypeMachine charts by early afternoon following its debut.

When asked to describe his feelings regarding the potentially successful commercial release, Pitbull emitted a series of whirrs, clicks, and low, industrial hums.

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First there was the infomercial about the starving children overseas.

Then, the kicker.

Yes, all this was too much for Aubrey “Drake” Graham to bear, as the R&B superstar broke down into tearful fits at the sight of a three-legged, down-on-his-luck Yellow Labrador named Dakota. Although the pup attempted to console the 3-time Grammy Award-winning artist, no amount of affection could lessen his pain as he struggled for words to express his overwhelming emotion.

“It’s just… look at him, man. He’s… he’s such a little trooper. Damn.” He briefly attempted more description but couldn’t find the words despite boasting a virtuosic vocabulary on his upcoming album “Views From The 6”. ♫

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The verdict is in, and it’s pretty disappointing.

All those cool-looking knobs and buttons you’ve seen in nice pictures of big, fancy recording studios? Pure decoration. That’s right. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Some of them are just speed dial buttons to landlines that don’t even exist anymore. Others merely make sound effects to amuse engineers during recording sessions where, it turns out, they’re really not doing much at all.

“Well, I guess the secret’s out,” said famed recording engineer Albert Montcrief, whose professional career has included recording The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Elvis Presley, and Seven Mary Three. “I’m not proud of it, but honestly, what was I supposed to do? I learned at a very young age how important it was to look like I knew what I was doing. That’s a very important part of making music.”

Many were outraged. “What they fuck are doing the whole time then?” asked Jeanne Lee, lead singer of The Pixies, a popular food-related music band. “Why do we pay them money if they’re just making funny noises back there?” Behind her, a familiar cartoon whistle sound played, emanating from the new and very expensive SSL-5000, a top of the line mixing console, as the engineer working the board looked very busy. ♫

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Acclaimed entertainment pioneers and transcendant sexual powerhouses Low Country Kingdom defied US Marshals’ orders to keep the peace and play another riveting and groundbreaking show, this time at Great American Music Hall in San Francisco.

Rumors abound of potential trapezing elephants and epic grizzly bear vs. tiger shark battles mid-concert, but all bets are off when it comes to this duo’s electrifying performances.

“Oh yeah, you don’t want to miss it,” said Ryan Woods, self-proclaimed “LCKlien” and fangirl for life. “Last time I think they had real light sabers and actually killed a terrorist during the show. It was, it was intense, man.”

Drug-induced exaggerations aside, this show will no doubt put significant pressure on local law enforcement’s crowd control capacity. When reached for comment, San Francisco Chief of Police Eric Steinem only replied, “What? Holy fuck are you serious? Awesome. Somebody else can work my shift–I’m the fucking Chief of Police and I’m going to that show and getting super fucked up.”

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Jessica Simpson Disappears Entirely

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As the last drops of her fame drained out through a syndicated late night E! retrospective, Jessica Simpson vaporized into the atmosphere and ceased to exist altogether early Friday morning.

Evidence of her once-confirmed existence was hard to find. Former boyfriend Nick Lachey of the boy band 98 Degrees recalled knowing someone named Jessica at some point in his life, but details were unclear.

“Yeah, I remember her, I think. She was like, a talk show host, right?” he asked, eventually confusing her with recently passed TV icon Joan Rivers.

Even wikipedia failed to recall information about Simpson’s life, with the only entry under her name reading simply “that girl Tony Romo dated.”

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Although he was unable to attend his graduation ceremony due to a brand partnership with Mad Dog 20/20, Horst “Riff Raff” Simco finalized his doctoral dissertation with the approval of his advisor and a majority of the MIT Electrical Engineering Department Monday.

His paper, titled “A 1.6-3.2 High Phase Accuracy Quadrature Phase Locked Loop,” details a novel though trivial solution of operating multiple PLLs over a wide range of frequency while minimizing noise and signal loss. Although the solution offers no immediate practical benefit to multiple PLL operating capacities, Simco’s research was highly regarded among the department and he completed his dissertation in only four and a half years. He will continue his study in a postdoctoral position supervised by his current advisor Jan Kimo Tam. ♫

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Beck Protests Own Shitty Music

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“We’ve had enough!” famed Grammy-award winning artist Beck yelled to his fans outside his concert in Ann Arbor, MI. “We’ve put up with enough of my garbage and we’re not gonna take it anymore!” The fans roared in agreement, a complex mix of forceful boos and agreement.

Beck put his most recent tour and upcoming album release on hold this week, after attending several fan protests urging him to stop playing and recording. “I just think this is the right thing to do,” he said, as he placed his acoustic guitar and two turntables and a single microphone into his personal storage locker outside Van Nuys, CA. “Quite frankly my fans and I are angry about all the nonsense going on here and I’ve decided to take a stand against myself.” ♫

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