Flo Rida Clearly An Android

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Another Flo Rida performance was cut short, this time at Lakewood Amphitheater in Chicago, IL, due to mechanical failures and overheating. After functioning without error for 35 minutes through his live, beat-driven dance and vocal performance, Flo Rida’s powerful robotic appendages began flailing uncontrollably, and he accidentally tore a dancer in half over his head and fired several white-hot mechanical fingers into the crowd.

This is the fifth time this month Flo Rida has experienced critical malfunctions, and his handlers are becoming more concerned at the the increasingly obvious obsolescence of this once lively and well-functioning machine. Growing awareness of his bionic form seems to have impacted record and ticket sales, and the machines that have been keeping him alive inside his body appear to have overtaken him entirely.

Flo Rida insisted the problems were minimal and easily solved by what he referred to as “mechanical absorption,” as he devoured a mailbox and soldered his own limbs. ♫

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